Mom's Stash: Find Out What Kind of Turd You Just Dumped

Note: I tried scanning this one straight from Mom's stash, but the quality was poor so I re-typed it.

If you've ever wanted to know what kind of shit you just took, here's a handy guide:

Ghost Shit: That is the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.

The Clean Getaway: The kind of shit where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the paper.

Wet Shit: The kind of shit wher eyou wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.

The Second-Wind Shit: It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and then you realize that you have to shit some more.

Brain Hemorrhage Through Your Nose Shit: The kind of shit where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

The Richard Simmons Shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

The Corn Shit: No explanation needed.

The Kling-On Shit: When you go to wipe, it's already there waiting.

The Lincoln-Log Shit: Shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking the shit into a few peices with your toilet brush.

Drinker's Shit: The kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet bowl.

Blowout Shit: Preceeded by a fart so dynamic that you check the bowl afterwards for cracks.

The I Wish I Could Shit, Shit: The kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramping and farting a few times.

Double Flush Shit: Because of the 'crumbs'.

Spinal Tap Shit: This is the kind where it hurts so much that you swear it's coming out sideways.

Power Shit: The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your ass cheeks get splashed with toilet water.

Exorcist Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your ass, splattering all over the inside of the toilet, while the whole time burning your tender ass.

Mexican Food Shit: Defies real description, must be experienced.

Peek-A- Boo Shit: Shit that comes out halfway and then goes back in, halfway out and goes back in.

Scientists Learn to Create Real-Life Zombies! Run!

CalTech researchers recently announced that they've learned how to turn on the aggression center of a mouse's brain so that it will indiscriminately attack anything it sees, basically turning it into a little bloodthirsty zombie mouse.

But here's the really scary part: They use a virus, just like in '28 Days Later', to deliver the modified DNA into the mouse's brain!

Holy shit what if it gets lose?!?! What then?!?! The Zombie Apocalypse is inevitable! Head for the hills!

Okay, maybe I'm over-reacting. But may I'm not. Either way, it's some scary shit. Read the full article here.

Japanese Invent Steak Made From Human Feces

Poo steaks sizzling on the grill.

Leave it to those whacky Japanese people: Tokyo Sewage recently hired a researcher to figure out what to do with the city's excess of sewage and what did he come up with? Let's turn it into food!

I know, total yuck. And it gets even grosser:

"To make swallowing the stool steaks a little bit easier, a nutty flavor was added using soy protein, and red food coloring was mixed in too, apparently to make the concoction look more like a juicy, bloody steak. A few brave researchers even took the plunge and taste-tested the product. (Apparently it tastes like regular beef.)"

Was the poop not nutty enough already? Very sorry if you were trying to enjoy a meal while reading this post. You can check out the full story here.

Obama Announces Plans for High-Speed Buses?

Seems like a reasonable plan to me:


Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan

Incredibly Stupid Shoes

Check out this collection of dumb shoes I found. The mind reels in horror at the stupidity of it all. Why on earth would anybody wear this shit?:

These shoes are for people who want to show off their futuristic, forward-thinking attitude by wearing shoes that make them look like complete retards. Has anyone out there actually seen anybody wearing these things in public?

A broken ankle waiting to happen.

I assume these are for, like, kicking up sand or something? Anyway, they are really, really ugly and the pink socks aren't helping anything. Yikes!

There are no words for how stupid this is. Why?

If you were to actually wear these things I'm sure the end result would be bodily injury of some sort.

How many iguanas did they have to skin?!?!

Designed by the Dark Lord himself and forged in the fires of hell.

Who wouldn't want to look like a giant, walking LEGO?

Ancient Chinese Master Say: Take away heel to make haunches strong like tiger. If tassels touch the ground, you die!

Because normal shoes are much too horizontal.

I bet you wish your feet looked like sparkly whales.

Are these really meant to be worn?

I got my shoes at Ikea but I'm not sure I put them together the right way.

My shoes are my pants.

Dude Totally Jams on PVC Instrument

This guy just totally blew my mind:

Mom's Stash: Barbara Walters Interviews Nasty Indian Tribe

Okay, since it's the Virus' first day I'm gonna share one more from Mom's Stash. This one is totally dirty, but funny as Hell. It involves Barbara Walters interviewing an Indian tribe and not liking the answers she gets. Where did my mom find this shit?:

Don't Lose Your Head!

Mom's Stash: What Not to Name Your Dog

My mom has a box in her closet full of a bunch of funny stuff that she's been saving since like the 70s and I thought I'd pull it out and share some of it over the coming weeks (there's quite a bit of material) in a series I'm going to call Mom's Stash. Some of it's pretty funny and most of it's very dirty and/or rascist and/or offensive in some way. My mom, like me, has a bit of a twisted sense of humor :

...More to come